Remembering My Mom part 2

Many believe that my way of life is “wrong”, but little do they realize that just because something is written doesn’t mean it’s the truth… it is for some, and it is different for others.
What is preached by a man in a beard and with many years of experience is of little relevance to me. It is all interesting yes, as are the thousands of gods that are worshipped in India, the standing statues in Asia, Africa, and pretty much all continents… but through my 5 years of traveling, 25 years of living and through the many energy exchanges, i’ve had the privilege of experiencing with people, animals, trees, flowers, lakes, oceans, rivers, fileds, forests, jungles, food, stars, wind, air, water, fire, love, light and joy, I feel that the world I live in (regardless of other’s perception or ideas) is one that is meant for Doris Fin and perhaps for her alone. But it works for me and is the life I resonate most and best with. I wish everyone to know their truth, even if its temporary. As truth is constantly changing, it is important to recognize and stay with the moment and do what feels best in the moment, staying flexible for whatever the future holds.
Many do not understand my way of life, nor do they want to understand. From the teachings of the Dalai Lama “to gain happiness one must gain patience, forgiveness, and compassion”. And as the days pass my happiness increases, but it all starts with the self. As everyone is a reflection of each other all judgements I made of others were all judgements of myself, were all reminders of what i needed to work on for myself, all important loving reminders that once mastered and rethought, reacted, reworded, relived, the love for myself increased and so beacause i love and accept of myself it is natural for me to love and accept of others.
My mother was an amazing living example of this. She never cared what others thought of her for she knew it wasn’t her business what other’s opinions of her were. She loved herself oh so very much, and the outcome was her incredible open heart and ability to love everyone around her, no matter what harm they did upon themselves or upon her. She was very compassionate, forgiving, patient and loving.
There is of course the process of life and so this journey for me continues and although i still judge and i still make “mistakes” i am reminded each day that life is too beautiful and too short to waste energy on such habits…. but as I am still a product of society, i have a lot of walls to break and lots of excess baggage from my past to release, hence why patience forgiveness and compassion go such a long way.
This is a story I am slowly stopping to tell myself and doing my best to live a life without telling myself this story that i judge and make mistakes. As of this moment on I would like to change this energy of the past negative thinking to ¨I now continue on a path that is full of love, forgiveness, ease, peace and divinity, with possibilities and openness for all that suites me and resonates with my being in this moment¨.
I am grateful to be able to feel pain, to feel emotions of love, fear, anger, happiness, etc…. for this is a reminder that i am alive, i am here, i am in the now… if not the ability to feel these things, i would be numb and life would just not be as fulfiling for me in the place that I am in right now.
But it is important to understand that it is not what one says or does but how they say it or do it. And so it is my ultimate end result that effects me and since I have control of how I act and react I choose to be aware and conscious as much as I can be to my behaviour, decisions, reactions, thoughts and words. Basically the energy input and output. This is an option I am aware of and feel blessed to know how to flow with. With practice and intention anything can be accomplished, even if it’s not externally visible.
Remember there is no right, no wrong, no good or bad…. everything happens for a reason as is for our best interest and highest good, at and in the perfect divine moment…. man has labeled everything and so in this day and age we have these so called bad, good, right, wrong events, moments, thoughts….but we can rise above this and seek our truth without labels and limitations.
If one thinks for themselves, does not doubt their actions, loves and approves of themself, does not tune into FEAR station, but rather LOVE station, the strength and desire for life will increase and the ability to soar to places that one never knew existed will happen faster, more often and more consciously…. everything is a choice.. Instead of feeling confidence is necessary, I choose to believe and feel that ¨I am ENOUGH¨ and so it is.
FEAR: Fake Evidence Appearing Real….. Your life is real, the made up fears and stories we tell ourselves are not…. do not feed them…. do what makes you happy and what truly resonates with you… if fearing and living in a place of doubt, confusion, lack of confidence and lack of true self happiness is a place one wants to be in, no one can take this away from them… but if the opposite is wanted… then make it happen… start to do the inner ¨work¨, start to allow your heart to open up more…. leave the negative influences, the negative environments that no longer serve you… but if you choose to stay in them, then let your imagination run wild, your creativity is something no one can take away from you. Your reaction to any action is something no one can take from you… you do not live in Afghanistan so you have more freedom and more rights… take advantage of them… let yourself be free…..Be grateful for being able to make your own decisions, one is more free than they know and understand… ANd do not compare yourself to others. Your karma is yours and be grateful for what you have.
No news is good news… if you don’t like what you’re listening to turn it off… do not watch tv, do not listen to the news, do not hang out with peolpe who do not make you feel good, or people who you do not have a balanced give and take from, do not eat foods that you do not feel good from, do not think thoughts that make you feel bad. Indulge in good healthy, yummy good feeling foods, happy laughing conversations, positive energy movies, good music that makes you feel at peace, that makes you feel good, be around nature, be around people you love, be around positive infuences, you manifest all the energy you put out.
You can attract the perfect job, relationship, lifestyle, etc. with your true intentions, thoughts, and energy you put out. Even if they are family, do not ever feel obligated to do something that does not come from the heart, that does not make you feel good in any part of your entire being. The end result may not be worth it, or do it with an open heart and in a joyous loving attitude so all feel good in the end and during the process. Find another way, or ask the infinite to guide you and help you find another way to make it feel good and redirect the energy in a direction that you can benefit from.
You are one, and I am a reflection of you as you are of me, we are in this world together, uniting as one, let’s make the world a better place by continuing to lead by example… loving ourselves, and loving others in return, perhaps being closer to nature, doing internal work to overcome the fears and doubts and contiune to live with a smile and open heart.
Thank you for sharing this energy with me and I wish you a blessed journey wherever the road contiunes to guide you….
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Remembering my Mom (May 30, 2011) Part 1

It’s sunny, warm, yummy and oh so very green in toronto canada right now. I am grateful to be alive and to be here right now. So much happening and to be able to observe and be reminded each day that my breath is strong, my heart is open and my desire to live and learn and love is stronger than ever.
The journey since India since 1.5 years ago and since returning home 3x in the past year has brought me so much joy, learning curves and so much desire to continue striving for my passion to learn, love, live and share with so many and of course my main passion… to travel and inspire. A never ending journey that comes from such an experience. This is why I want to share this with you.
I am the fruit of my parents. They have taught me all they could. After a certain point in one’s life decisions that are for the best are needed to be made. Each person is an individual and this is why everyone’s decisions are different. We are influenced by so many around us, from family and friends, to government and media and often we doubt ourselves and what is truly best for us.
Often we are too rational, and not enough emotional… the machoism in the world has caused so many to suffer from a lack of feminine connection… listening to the heart, but of course finding the balance between the heart and mind… this is important.
A huge lesson is being taught now, and as it is june now, the half mark of the year, there is much to be done. NO force is necessary, just going with the flow and living in the moment. As each day comes I surrender to it and allow myself to be.
I am enjoying each day as it comes, no matter what events arise. For my life is mine and mine alone. I may share the space around me but the result is up to me… for my reaction is what will make the result a “positive” or “negative one”… i’m the only one who holds the key to my future… i may be influenced, but the final decision is mine.
When my mother passed away 11 days ago, this took a toll on many, my brother, father, grandmother, her friends, her clients, her co workers….so many.
This was a devestating time for so many, but as her fruit and a strong one at that, i did not collapse into a space of fear, devestation, negativity, or remorse. Instead, as I have control over my feelings, emotions, thoughts and reactions I went into the experience with a joyous loving attitude. I experienced what’s called sublimation (transfering energy, to a higher frequency) changing fear and saddness into joy and happiness. I laughed, I did not cry. I smiled I did not frown (all can come from a place of the heart, just different expressions of the heart)
During the funeral, the energy was strong, almost 100 people gathered around a brown box, within it lay my mother’s previous box… a body, a shield, a shell, a physical flesh that held the soul of my mother….For it was nothing more than just a box of flesh to me once she passed, I was able to maintain my doris like self and hold the light for all. Doris means ¨gift from the sea¨ in greek. TO rise like a wave and carry a messege to shore for all to explore, for all to be witness to and to make their final decision of what to do with this messege, allowing me to hold space for them and to surrender to that which they choose to do, not to control it, but rather guide it in a direction that may serve their path if they allow.
I smiled throughout the funeral, made a speech that came from my heart. I sat by a tree minutes before the funeral began and wrote a speech that was to make up for the one i left on my desk at home. It left people leaving with smiles on their faces and literally feeling better about themselves and about her passing. I did it for myself but for everyone as well and most of all for my mother.
This was my intention, as well as my intention of shining and sharing how i truly feel, and lead by example to remind people that with every death comes a birth and a death of a person is a day to celebrate their life and remember them as they once were and can always be remembered. This is an option I was aware of and I chose to take this option.
People have the tendency to get trapped in a world of sorrow and remorse, this is part of the conditioned mind. In many cultures around the world it is forbidden to cry during a person’s passing, it is also part of many’s tradition to celebrate with drinking, partying, telling stories about the deceased, dress up in colors, laugh, dance, smile.
And in other cultures it is tradition to dress in black, to cry, grieve, mourn for up to a year. I recently found out in the Jewish culture (the culture I was brought up in) the imidiate family is suppose to do what’s called “SHIVA” and mourn for a week. They are not to listen to music for 1 year, they are not to cook their own food during the week of SHIVA or sit higher than 30cm, nor are they suppose to ever sit on their knees (a position people sit in to worship).
None of this resonates with my being. It is all part of the old paradigm. So I did not mourn. I listened to music, i sang, i danced, i laughed, i cooked, i sat up high and tall. For I feel that my mother would not want this. I don’t think she would want anything to be different, just to continue life in a joyous, loving manner and maybe to acknowledge all she did and all she shared, including her alchemy of changing negativity into positivity amongst many and situations all around her. I knew my mother differently than anyone else. My brother knew her differently, my dad, my grandma, her friends and clients… each and every person knew her in a different way. And the way I got to know her and understand her and breathe her, hug, kiss, love and take care of her was in my own way, in a way only a daughter and mother understand and could share. I want to share how I got to be with her, in my way, the only way I know and understand and experienced.

My journey with a man before India 2009 Part 2

My journey with a man before India 2009

As with most things I do, when I desire or require something I plant the seeds and observe their growth. I ask and I receive when the time is ripe. Without being attached to the outcomes, I surrender and without force I take the steps, watering the seeds and reaping the benefits when it’s time.
A month before I left to India in Dec 2009 I had put the message out to the Universe about wanting to attract a man whom I could get close to and travel with. I’ve never done this before and I had seen it so often among other duo travelers. I believe that unless I try it for myself how could I know what it’s all about it. And who am I to judge it anyway? Love with a partner, unless it’s experienced it’s really not something that can be described. (Like asking a human, “do you know what it’s like to be a cat or an elephant?” it’s not possible, unless one experiences it how can they know?) So I planted the seeds and remained open to whatever happened next.
It surprised me at first when I had attracted this individual a month before I left. But I didn’t want to reject the flow because of the time. I was open, and although I had my heart set on India, I trust the Universe and my intuition. I actually allowed myself to be so open that I’d consider staying for him or inviting him to join me. I decided intuitively that it’s happening, it feels right and the fact that I felt sparks when I met him and experienced that twinkle in the eye, there was no doubt that I had to commence this. So with no time to waste I suggested “I’m leaving in a month, so let’s begin” and the emails and phone calls began followed by dating and that potent masculine feminine exchange.
As I progress so does my path, those around me I attract and the doors of opportunity that open. So at the time he was exactly what I needed and through him, his guidance and presence I was able to unleash some of my feminine qualities and some energy blocks that I didn’t even know I had. It takes the “right” partner to assist a flow that I have to be open to, surrender to and remain vulnerable to. I didn’t get this at first because of the many stories and blocks I created for myself, but it was clear that what I had asked for had come unexpectantly at a different time that I was happy to remain open to.
It was clear that the Universe had different plans for me. It helps to be a “Flexatarian” and not rigid to any dogmas, but this wasn’t obvious to me at first.
I had wondered why I had attracted this before India and not during and the answer became clear as I boarded the plane to India in Dec 2009. I felt “FREEDOM” for the first time, that I could remember. That “flavour of month” had to happen so that I could create the space inside myself to finally be with me, myself and I. The instruments I gained from that month were the exact dose and “medicine” I needed to set me up for what was to be one of the most important keys to unleashing my full potential in the future to come.
As I had described in a previous post “Life is like a Game”, at this time it really did feel like a game. I chose to tune into level “relationship” and open the random doors, slide down some ladders, restart a few times, learn a long the way and remain present to really understand, grasp and mature, grow, blossom, expand through the journey.
I allowed myself to become attached, to allow him to guide me and I did my best to surrender to the playful shakti shiva dance that occurs when a man and woman share their lives together. As deep or as superficial as it may happen, it’s exactly as it needs to be, as I remain present, mindful and conscious of my choices, decisions and listen to my intuition. With some blocks still remaining, the journey only got better and more interesting as time passed.
And so India began on a very clean, fresh, new open road….

Recipe: Tastes Like Salmon Sushi

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Oh the magic of sushi! The carrot pulp makes an excellent substitute for the rice and the sauce combination makes for a taste similar to that of salmon sushi. So you get a two for one, taste and vitality!

*Makes fun, easy, and a quick snatch and bite finger food at a party!

Ingredients for Rice Substitute:

-1cup carrot pulp (from freshly juiced carrots)
-2 celery stalks or 1 red pepper finely diced
-1/4 cup freshly ground black or white sesame seeds, sesame butter/tahini or sunflower seed butter
-1 tsp freshly grated turmeric or 1/2 tsp turmeric powder
-1 inch piece of ginger chopped
-1/4 cup freshly squeezed lime juice
-1 tsp black salt (or other salt is fine)
-1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil or pumpkin seed oil
-1 tsp cumin powder
Optional: For spicy sushi add 1/4 tsp cayenne or chili powder

Sushi fillings:
-4 nori seaweed sheets
-sliced avocado
-red/yellow pepper
-cucumber
-fresh sunflower, radish and or/snow pea sprouts

Loving Preparation:

-In a bowl combine the carrot pulp and celery. Set aside
-Combine the rest of the ingredients for the rice substitute in a blender until well combined
-Add the liquid to the pulp until well combined

Form your sushi: On a nori sheet place 3tbsp of the rice substitute about an inch from the edge of your sheet where you will fold. Layer the fillings on top and roll the sushi tightly. Cut immediately before it gets soggy, into 6-8 pieces using a serrated knife. Serve on a platter.

Note: You can substitute or mix the carrot pulp with beet root pulp. See the picture to get an idea of what it looks like. It makes for a beautiful presentation when you have the contrast of carrot orange and beet purple sushi.

Medley Green Pesto Recipe

Medley PestoImageImageImage

Ingredients:

-3 cups finely chopped mixed herbs, tightly packed (mostly basil, cilantro,parsley, celery leaves)
-2 cups baby spinach leaves or kale leaves, tightly packed
-1-2 tsp of salt (taste and adjust to your taste)

-1/8-1/4 cup freshly squeezed lemon juice
-1/4-1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil (depending on consistency preference)
-2-6 cloves garlic, chopped (depending how garlicky you like it)

Optional:

-1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (for spicy)

-1 cup nuts for creaminess (see note below)

For Basil Pesto only:

Omit all other herbs and leaves and use only 3 cups basil. Sweet basil tastes the best for pestos, but you may combine it with holy basil too.

Loving Preparation:

1. Combine all ingredients in a food processor until smooth. Do not use a high speed blender or you will end up with a green hummus instead.
2. Store in a glass jar for up to 1 week in the fridge. Or freeze and thaw later.
3. Use in everything: salad dressings, sauces, soups, spreads, dips, pates.

Note: For a richer, creamier, yet lighter flavour:

-add 1/2-1 cup ground cashews/walnuts/pine nuts or macadamia nuts. This will enhance its flavour and texture, giving it that traditional pesto taste.

This is a fabulous dish to use almond pulp into (left over from almond milk) but max 2-3 days in fridge.

My relationship with a man part 2 :After traveling Thailand 4.5yrs ago

Just as traveling helped me to grow and expand and learn more bout life than any institutionalized environment (AKA school), so did the relationships I had during, before or after my travels,

Here’s one that was right after my travels to Thailand 4.5 yrs ago.
When I was 20 and I traveled to Thailand I was still in my mind set of seeking the attention and focusing on my image, to boost my ego and to make me feel accepted and still desired. I needed this confirmation at the time. But as my journey in Thailand came close to an end, I was a week away from flying back to Toronto and was at the Vipassana Meditation center again. And things changed.
Maybe it was the energy of Thailand, maybe it was the massage course, meditation course, traveling, or just being away from my home or a combination of it all. Whatever it was, something in me changed (for the better).
The last day of the 10 day retreat, I finished feeling fresh, new and rejuvenated, with a new view on life and new goals. I sat down at the end and wrote out what I wanted to focus on, the changes I want to see in myself and the relationship I wanted to attract. I wrote down everything I wanted and didn’t want (later in life I realized what focusing on “don’t wants” will bring me… obviously) so when I returned to Toronto I attracted pretty much everything I wrote down.
The “spiritual” awakening experiences I had in Thailand brought out a part of me that was just dormant, it was like I was revived from the puppet world and had come back to life! So it was no surprise to me, but to my family and friends it was a huge surprise, when I arrived wearing white, not black and had my nose and eye brow ring absent from my face.
By letting go of some physical baggage and creating some new space in my reality, old stagnant energy got shed while new energy took its place. But I soon tuned into what new energy I was adding that was filling voids and what new energy was added that actually served my highest good.
I soon felt like I was ready to accomplish my new goals and to call in the man who was to fulfil that part of me that I didn’t know existed yet. It didn’t happen the way I had thought, but that’s of course no surprise either. (This experience taught me to enter without expectations, be open to the mystery and have a curiosity to discover what else is possible).
As I searched outside myself for the answers that I was manipulated to believe were the answers, it brought me closer at the same time further from my truth. But that’s why life is like a game afterall.
So about a month later he appeared. Along with the 100 things I wrote down two things specifically were important to me. I asked for love and stability. I realized later that what I had asked for was superficial and not specific enough. So it was no surprise when he said “I love you” on the second date and depended on me to boost his mood and happiness. Financially stability was irrelevant to me but that’s what he was. He was not emotionally or heart stable. I decided to find out why he leaped into this state of love for me so quickly and if it was even real and what it meant to him. I found out his story and it made sense what with his European background and lack of acceptance and love from his family. I totally accepted him but could not love him unconditionally. That was still foreign to me at the time.
I stayed for about a month and let myself experience a relationship. But it felt imbalanced. He had feelings for me that I could not reciprocate. I couldn’t acknowledge what he was feeling because I had never experienced or allowed myself to go so far into a feeling that could ever bring up this so called “I love you” bubble. I had to get out and of course I did. He ended up being healing exchange buddies with my mom who also practiced acupuncture and massage and they both seemed to benefit from one another and then one day he just disappeared without a trace or notice. We couldn’t reach him and that was that chapter, even to this day.
This experience along with the rest of them that I will share in the next blogs, have all been crucial experiences for me and my path. I feel quite happy with the way everything turned out and that my lack of quantity in any relationship allowed me the space and freedom to explore my options continuously, not being bound to any one way. But when it was my time to feel real love and do the whole commitment, responsibility for myself and hold space for my partner to grow and expand simultaneously with me, it was quite a cool experience and I’ll be sharing that soon.

My spiritual Growth through relationships with men part 1:

My spiritual growth through my relationships with men part 1 (before I even experienced a real relationship)

As with most of my “awakened conscious” life (starting 7yrs ago when I was 18, approx after first traveling, no surprise) I began observing my surroundings, absorbing, filtering, digesting; more independently, openly and more rigidly (definitely at the time). Let me tell you, the rebellion in me, at the time, definitely assisted to where I am today, and I’m grateful. The open, more compassionate and understanding “Flexatarian” I’ve become has opened many many doors of opportunity and deep connection than I could have ever imagined.
But it wasn’t like this until my most recent years, especially with my romantic relationships. I believe my lack of misguidance and misinformation about relationships with another being, and more focus on connection and relationship with myself, in the past, has allowed me to see the other side of life, the life “less traveled” by most, who chose to concentrate on relationship with another, rather than relationship with them-self. “So someone’s gotta do it” (I thought, How will I know what else is possible unless I try it and take another path?)
I noticed the difference between discovery and unfolding of myself through another and when it’s unleashed without another. Big difference. I will admit though that most of my “spiritual” growth has happened in romantic relationships, although never long term, there’s been something in them, and because short term, there was more room for digestion and filtration and getting to really know the real me. (Relationships can really keep a fitted mask on tight if one is not ready or have enough of growth and expansion from another source, like living outside the box of standards, expectations and illusions.)
And when one is ready to try the opposite, the unfamiliar, the mystery, well let’s just hope they’re ready and willing to make the changes and enter the unknown openly, trusting and joyfully.
Since I’ve been aware of my ability (as everyone has this too, but may not realize it yet) to call in what I desire and be open to receiving it when I’m ready, I’ve been more conscious and more selective to what I call in for my self fullness, benefit and more harmonious path that allows me to be more available to myself and therefore others. But let’s take a few steps and a few years back…
As a teenager growing up, my external image was quite important and more important than my education at the time, for it was the one thing I could “control” in the way I wanted and liked. School was secondary to me, as it seemed to be for most of the teens around me. I thought it was the “in” thing to do and so I followed. I passed all my classes with confidence, mascara and a push up bra, and no regrets. It was an experience that made me more aware. How could I appreciate the light without the dark? I did focus on my studies, but not as mindfully and fully as I did on my reputation to make people laugh and distract me.
It wasn’t until after 18, I began to explore my sexuality and myself through connecting through dating, experimenting and discovery of myself and my spiritual growth through the assistance, guidance and I suppose the enhancement of a male.
There are things a woman goes through that I soon learnt can’t be done alone, at least not when a partner is “needed” to balance the masculine feminine energy exchange (at the time i was clueless to what this was, what this meant or even that it was in existence, ignorance is not always bliss).
But I went about it a little differently, not dependently as majority around me went about it. I may have missed out on some real love, but I’m really glad I did so. It seems to have been a blessing in disguise. I discovered angles of my life that I could not have had otherwise if I had a partner. I’m really happy about my decision to gain more “life experience” outside of a relationship with a man, for the growth I gained had really been the key to where I am today and to the expansion and growth I had gained years later. No need to rush, the flow is more easeful and joyful when I remain open to mystery, flexibility and empowering myself with my own ways that I resonate with, not that of society’s or other influences. I use my external environments as my tools and instruments to learn from, but not to be the “be all” way. They are merely a suggestion but not set in stone, like recipes and rules.
I experimented, but was not willing to open myself up fully and I easily found myself not being attracted to anything the men had to offer except for intellectual stimulation. (It’s not until years later that I realized love was absent and thus the main reason I didn’t enjoy anything intimately).
I put up blocks and tried to do things differently, forcing what is humanly natural, to be redirected to be more rigid and not natural actually. I confused men, while confusing myself, but this made me appear to be more complex and therefore a target for what’s “in”.. afterall, a young, beautiful, intelligent challenge, apparently can boost a man’s ego and her own of course (somehow, at the time I attracted such men and such ways of thinking and was proud of it too.)
Since I know that I attract that which I am, it wasn’t a surprise the men I attracted at the time were that which I didn’t want. I was focusing on that which I didn’t want and so of course like attracts like and misery attracts company. I was never miserable, but I wasn’t fulfilled either.
My vibration, frequency, energy was not that balanced, which was “normal” for me at the time as I was still discovering myself and not really sure who I was or what my purpose was. I just knew I was liked, wanted, admired and desired and that was all that I really cared to harness.
So I focused my attention on attracting attention. I used my observations of others as my tools, instruments and guidance. First lesson for me was observing majority of women’s way of attaining their external attention and this is where my rebellious self came in handy. Doing it differently.
The “in” way to gain attention seemed to be through sex. I completely closed off this option as it seemed to be so popular at the time and I just wasn’t comfortable with the whole idea. Like a tattoo or piercing, I felt it was definitely something easy to say no to and instead find another way. Keeping my legs closed was something I took pride in. I noticed the way the deflowered girls held their postures and there seemed to be something missing in them. They were great teachers for what I didn’t want in my own life. And I’m really happy I listened to my intuition and redirected the flow of my energy.
I laugh about it now, recalling how I brought myself up. My parents had an influence of course, but society was much stronger. Afterall most of my education was outside of the house. There’s only so much parents can teach and often the child will do the opposite of the parent’s instructions anyway.
Although I admit, I was more of a social butterfly, interested to know what else was possible, what else existed, not committing myself to one group, one partner, one way of life or one way of thinking. I felt like I could lead a whole new group of women to reempower themselves and gain back their tits and ass and not just willingly enslave themselves to the way “it’s suppose to be or the only way they know how to be”.
I felt like I could be a revolutionist. I thought I could be the change I wanted to see so I lead by example, but little did I know it wasn’t what I was doing, it was how that was imbalanced and although the idea was with right intention it was how I was doing it that was not lovingly, compassionately or easeful so of course some dis-ease arose in my being and that was mostly emotionally.
As with many actors, I played a role that wasn’t quite authentic, but I played it so often that it became my reality and therefore discombobulated my being and my identity. I was numb to it at the time.
I knew I had the “looks” and having looks wasn’t really anything original, as there were many good lookers around, but they didn’t use their looks the way I did. What I wanted at the time was to be liked and attractive for an original quality. THe looks was the bonus. The attitude, independence, and “pussy power” (as I learnt existed) the humour, gentle but firm strong female character and open to randomness and joy of life really seemed to be lacking in most women around me and so it was no surprise I’d attract the opposite in men. “one wants what they don’t have”
I attracted the ones who sought to find their “other half”, the other half that was the opposite to them, the one who brought excitement to their life. I didn’t like this at the time, but created the story that I attracted them to help them change and therefore lead by example and preached a lot, through healthy eating, no smoking, drinking or fighting, trying foods and moves, destinations and random interactions, ,conversations and playfulness (not sexually of course) with strangers was my thing and I thought they’d follow suite.
I’d ALWAYS say (at the time I lived in absolutes), “if we start this you have to remember 3 things: do not ask me to marry you, do not fall in love with me and know that you are not part of my future”. They’d always accept, afterall I attracted the ones who didn’t want commitment, enjoyed the flexibility and openess. More reason to want to stay and try to convince me that I’m the one for them. They didn’t know what they were getting into. My ego fed off of their dependence but also was slowly dis-easing my truth and my heart.
I couldn’t except their lack of progress in the time I wanted to see it, so I’d soon find myself getting bored and moving on. They’d be sad and boo hoo and I didn’t really feel bad about it at all. I wanted to be different and so I wouldn’t do what most people around me did by staying in a relationship that didn’t serve them because of FEAR (Fake Evidence Appearing Real) from self created stories, finding excuses and reasons to stay rather than just except it’s time to move on, digest what you gained and thus create the space for whatever can and needs to come next. I rarely lasted longer than a month. And always enjoyed my freedom and anticipated the next “victim”.
I’ll admit I didn’t know what I was doing so I would just date older guys (10-15yrs) assuming they were more experienced in life and didn’t care for sex and therefore they could teach me about life and relationships and I’d be the student. So I used relationships as a tool for my “studies” to understand men and relationships and of course I shut myself off from experiencing real love, and really experiencing the balanced shiva shakti energy exchange. Since I created the illusion of playing teacher rather than lover, I didn’t even get deep enough into a relationship to play the role of teacher in an intimate situation” hahahaha. That’s a whole other story. (I never stayed long enough to get to that point of allowing and surrendering).
This is my experience with men from 18-22. I just started dating, had little experience and the only examples and influence I had were from tv, movies, and not so differently in terms of unhealthy relationships, the relationships around me. Most people were getting together to fill their voids, because of infatuation, and to change one another, out of boredom, sex, or for eye candy, feed their ego. Rarely did I come by a healthy, wholesome relationship that was for true love (which is indescribable, and intangible, it can only be experienced and expressed through feeling not words, i later realized when I experienced this… later I’ll come to this).
Until next blog. Digest, filter and stay tuned….