My spiritual growth through my relationships with men part 1 (before I even experienced a real relationship)
As with most of my “awakened conscious” life (starting 7yrs ago when I was 18, approx after first traveling, no surprise) I began observing my surroundings, absorbing, filtering, digesting; more independently, openly and more rigidly (definitely at the time). Let me tell you, the rebellion in me, at the time, definitely assisted to where I am today, and I’m grateful. The open, more compassionate and understanding “Flexatarian” I’ve become has opened many many doors of opportunity and deep connection than I could have ever imagined.
But it wasn’t like this until my most recent years, especially with my romantic relationships. I believe my lack of misguidance and misinformation about relationships with another being, and more focus on connection and relationship with myself, in the past, has allowed me to see the other side of life, the life “less traveled” by most, who chose to concentrate on relationship with another, rather than relationship with them-self. “So someone’s gotta do it” (I thought, How will I know what else is possible unless I try it and take another path?)
I noticed the difference between discovery and unfolding of myself through another and when it’s unleashed without another. Big difference. I will admit though that most of my “spiritual” growth has happened in romantic relationships, although never long term, there’s been something in them, and because short term, there was more room for digestion and filtration and getting to really know the real me. (Relationships can really keep a fitted mask on tight if one is not ready or have enough of growth and expansion from another source, like living outside the box of standards, expectations and illusions.)
And when one is ready to try the opposite, the unfamiliar, the mystery, well let’s just hope they’re ready and willing to make the changes and enter the unknown openly, trusting and joyfully.
Since I’ve been aware of my ability (as everyone has this too, but may not realize it yet) to call in what I desire and be open to receiving it when I’m ready, I’ve been more conscious and more selective to what I call in for my self fullness, benefit and more harmonious path that allows me to be more available to myself and therefore others. But let’s take a few steps and a few years back…
As a teenager growing up, my external image was quite important and more important than my education at the time, for it was the one thing I could “control” in the way I wanted and liked. School was secondary to me, as it seemed to be for most of the teens around me. I thought it was the “in” thing to do and so I followed. I passed all my classes with confidence, mascara and a push up bra, and no regrets. It was an experience that made me more aware. How could I appreciate the light without the dark? I did focus on my studies, but not as mindfully and fully as I did on my reputation to make people laugh and distract me.
It wasn’t until after 18, I began to explore my sexuality and myself through connecting through dating, experimenting and discovery of myself and my spiritual growth through the assistance, guidance and I suppose the enhancement of a male.
There are things a woman goes through that I soon learnt can’t be done alone, at least not when a partner is “needed” to balance the masculine feminine energy exchange (at the time i was clueless to what this was, what this meant or even that it was in existence, ignorance is not always bliss).
But I went about it a little differently, not dependently as majority around me went about it. I may have missed out on some real love, but I’m really glad I did so. It seems to have been a blessing in disguise. I discovered angles of my life that I could not have had otherwise if I had a partner. I’m really happy about my decision to gain more “life experience” outside of a relationship with a man, for the growth I gained had really been the key to where I am today and to the expansion and growth I had gained years later. No need to rush, the flow is more easeful and joyful when I remain open to mystery, flexibility and empowering myself with my own ways that I resonate with, not that of society’s or other influences. I use my external environments as my tools and instruments to learn from, but not to be the “be all” way. They are merely a suggestion but not set in stone, like recipes and rules.
I experimented, but was not willing to open myself up fully and I easily found myself not being attracted to anything the men had to offer except for intellectual stimulation. (It’s not until years later that I realized love was absent and thus the main reason I didn’t enjoy anything intimately).
I put up blocks and tried to do things differently, forcing what is humanly natural, to be redirected to be more rigid and not natural actually. I confused men, while confusing myself, but this made me appear to be more complex and therefore a target for what’s “in”.. afterall, a young, beautiful, intelligent challenge, apparently can boost a man’s ego and her own of course (somehow, at the time I attracted such men and such ways of thinking and was proud of it too.)
Since I know that I attract that which I am, it wasn’t a surprise the men I attracted at the time were that which I didn’t want. I was focusing on that which I didn’t want and so of course like attracts like and misery attracts company. I was never miserable, but I wasn’t fulfilled either.
My vibration, frequency, energy was not that balanced, which was “normal” for me at the time as I was still discovering myself and not really sure who I was or what my purpose was. I just knew I was liked, wanted, admired and desired and that was all that I really cared to harness.
So I focused my attention on attracting attention. I used my observations of others as my tools, instruments and guidance. First lesson for me was observing majority of women’s way of attaining their external attention and this is where my rebellious self came in handy. Doing it differently.
The “in” way to gain attention seemed to be through sex. I completely closed off this option as it seemed to be so popular at the time and I just wasn’t comfortable with the whole idea. Like a tattoo or piercing, I felt it was definitely something easy to say no to and instead find another way. Keeping my legs closed was something I took pride in. I noticed the way the deflowered girls held their postures and there seemed to be something missing in them. They were great teachers for what I didn’t want in my own life. And I’m really happy I listened to my intuition and redirected the flow of my energy.
I laugh about it now, recalling how I brought myself up. My parents had an influence of course, but society was much stronger. Afterall most of my education was outside of the house. There’s only so much parents can teach and often the child will do the opposite of the parent’s instructions anyway.
Although I admit, I was more of a social butterfly, interested to know what else was possible, what else existed, not committing myself to one group, one partner, one way of life or one way of thinking. I felt like I could lead a whole new group of women to reempower themselves and gain back their tits and ass and not just willingly enslave themselves to the way “it’s suppose to be or the only way they know how to be”.
I felt like I could be a revolutionist. I thought I could be the change I wanted to see so I lead by example, but little did I know it wasn’t what I was doing, it was how that was imbalanced and although the idea was with right intention it was how I was doing it that was not lovingly, compassionately or easeful so of course some dis-ease arose in my being and that was mostly emotionally.
As with many actors, I played a role that wasn’t quite authentic, but I played it so often that it became my reality and therefore discombobulated my being and my identity. I was numb to it at the time.
I knew I had the “looks” and having looks wasn’t really anything original, as there were many good lookers around, but they didn’t use their looks the way I did. What I wanted at the time was to be liked and attractive for an original quality. THe looks was the bonus. The attitude, independence, and “pussy power” (as I learnt existed) the humour, gentle but firm strong female character and open to randomness and joy of life really seemed to be lacking in most women around me and so it was no surprise I’d attract the opposite in men. “one wants what they don’t have”
I attracted the ones who sought to find their “other half”, the other half that was the opposite to them, the one who brought excitement to their life. I didn’t like this at the time, but created the story that I attracted them to help them change and therefore lead by example and preached a lot, through healthy eating, no smoking, drinking or fighting, trying foods and moves, destinations and random interactions, ,conversations and playfulness (not sexually of course) with strangers was my thing and I thought they’d follow suite.
I’d ALWAYS say (at the time I lived in absolutes), “if we start this you have to remember 3 things: do not ask me to marry you, do not fall in love with me and know that you are not part of my future”. They’d always accept, afterall I attracted the ones who didn’t want commitment, enjoyed the flexibility and openess. More reason to want to stay and try to convince me that I’m the one for them. They didn’t know what they were getting into. My ego fed off of their dependence but also was slowly dis-easing my truth and my heart.
I couldn’t except their lack of progress in the time I wanted to see it, so I’d soon find myself getting bored and moving on. They’d be sad and boo hoo and I didn’t really feel bad about it at all. I wanted to be different and so I wouldn’t do what most people around me did by staying in a relationship that didn’t serve them because of FEAR (Fake Evidence Appearing Real) from self created stories, finding excuses and reasons to stay rather than just except it’s time to move on, digest what you gained and thus create the space for whatever can and needs to come next. I rarely lasted longer than a month. And always enjoyed my freedom and anticipated the next “victim”.
I’ll admit I didn’t know what I was doing so I would just date older guys (10-15yrs) assuming they were more experienced in life and didn’t care for sex and therefore they could teach me about life and relationships and I’d be the student. So I used relationships as a tool for my “studies” to understand men and relationships and of course I shut myself off from experiencing real love, and really experiencing the balanced shiva shakti energy exchange. Since I created the illusion of playing teacher rather than lover, I didn’t even get deep enough into a relationship to play the role of teacher in an intimate situation” hahahaha. That’s a whole other story. (I never stayed long enough to get to that point of allowing and surrendering).
This is my experience with men from 18-22. I just started dating, had little experience and the only examples and influence I had were from tv, movies, and not so differently in terms of unhealthy relationships, the relationships around me. Most people were getting together to fill their voids, because of infatuation, and to change one another, out of boredom, sex, or for eye candy, feed their ego. Rarely did I come by a healthy, wholesome relationship that was for true love (which is indescribable, and intangible, it can only be experienced and expressed through feeling not words, i later realized when I experienced this… later I’ll come to this).
Until next blog. Digest, filter and stay tuned….