Writing a memoir is challenging, but fun, healing and so worth it!


The whole world was on my shoulders, now it's different.

The whole world was on my shoulders, now it’s different.

This is the first time I haven’t felt the urge to leave Toronto after 3months. And it feels amazing!

Writing my book in 3 months, has been very inspiring, motivating and encouraging to keep me put in one place. It’s one of three books, as my life, as many know is quite extensive, complex and many have said in this life time I’ve lived like 50 lives. I can handle it and it’s no surprise.

I cover topics like my childhood, my relationships with myself, my dad, my lovers, the many people I’ve connected with in school, travels, different communities all over the world and my relationship with food!

When I write, I’m uncensored and totally raw, and that’s how my book is expressed. I’m so excited to publish it in 3 weeks! I can’t wait to share it with the world. My recipes are easy, fun and colourful too and the pictures of my travels and recipes are a story in themselves.

I want to thank all those who have been super supportive on facebook, in person and via email. I love you all and without you this book couldn’t blossom so smoothly.

Talk about surrendering, trusting, letting go and going with the flow. Oh ya! Writing a book was the answer for me to heal my past.

Want to release some past ties? Write a book! You don’t have to publish it, it can be for yourself and/or family and there are free ways online to make that happen. 🙂
Blessings and Light,

Growing Up Part 3: Mature and Empowered: Influenced by Intuition

Thanks to technology and fast paced societies, the contribution to lack of self awareness and agreement with outside (of oneself) influences, the natural instincts and intuition have become dormant and perhaps even nonexistent by now (with the amount of adaptation the world has undergone). I don’t know for certain, but I feel quite confident that if one doesn’t strengthen their intuition like they would their vocabulary or their physical muscles or relationships with others, life can become beyond dull. Maturity levels decrease and the next level/chapter of life becomes unread/unopened/undiscovered.

Imagine the potential that never gets sought for because of ignorance or weaknesses beyond the physical. We are lied to and manipulated by many authorities whom we “trust” or just become hypnotized, like marionettes. Many articles are being written, declaring incredible stats about the many who are blind or ignorant to what’s “really” going on in our world. But I believe with the amount of information being delivered and handed to us on a platter, there is no excuse for ignorance anymore, unless one has no access outside of their home or have been hypnotized by their parents, teachers, government, etc with everything locked and controlled. For those fortunate enough to have the access, it’s an option I feel is easily accessible.

I feel confident in stating that I believe everyone matures at a different time, in a different way, in a different fashion and some are faster at maturing than others.

I believe traveling the world is one of the most potent and most foolproof methods of maturing and getting to know beyond the box. Those who travel from a young age are some of the most intelligent beings I’ve ever met. Those who set themselves up in front of the computer or in front of books and learn that way about the world, are too, some of the most intelligent beings I have ever met. There is obviously more than one way to learn, to grow, to adapt, to strengthen one’s intuition and one’s logical mind. It has a lot to do with what stories one is holding onto. How far beyond the box is one willingly ready to explore? What else is one willing to create space for and what stories is one willing to let go of (FEAR based stories created by parents, teachers, media, authorities, self created, etc)?

Knowing what I know now, doing what I do now (and have been doing for more than a decade) I have come to realize that our parents are only our vessels. They do not own us, we are not pets, we do not own them, they are not our possession. They can only do their best to bring us up in the best way they know how. Whatever they did or didn’t do that doesn’t resonate with us, it’s only our responsibility now to forgive and let go. It’s all in the past now. Time to come out of that cacoon, unravel and open up to the vast potential of the Self, no more holding on, no more excuses. Take responsibility and mature through re-empowering oneself.

What would you like to create the space for in your life right now that feels lighter, more in alignment with where you desire to be, that place of optimality and assurance? This can only be accomplished by one’s own steps, the rest are influential, but must surely be “taken with a grain of salt”, acknowledged, considered, but never absorbed as any one truth. For truth is constantly changing, just as the world is constantly evolving and expanding. We must leave room for wonders and mysteries to continue to unfold. We must remain present and aware of where we are already at, love and approve of ourselves, never seek to change anyone, but only that of ourselves, and thus once we change, our perception will and does change and therefore our projection and manifestations.

The concrete jungle is just as potent in growing and learning as the wild natural jungle, for no matter what or where, we always take ourselves with us. Once we are aware that we are already whole and complete, that there is no “second half” or “answers outside of ourselves” only then can true healing take place. The inevitable events and lessons that will continue to take place can be viewed comedically or traumatically. Life can be enjoyable and rather humorous to walk, with presence, patience and compassion by our side.

“Getting a comedic view on your situation gives you spiritual distance. Having a sense of humour saves you. Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging. Your real duty is to go away from the community to find your bliss. Breaking out is following your bliss pattern, quitting the old place, starting your hero journey, following your bliss. You throw off yesterday as the snake sheds its skin.”- Joseph Campbell

Growing Up Part 2: “It’s about stage, not age”

Someone once said to me when I was 20, “Doris you won’t be like this by the time you’re 26”. Being the little rebel that I was, I said “Nope you’re wrong! I will always be my happy go lucky self, full of energy, full of zest and life!” It’s a choice. The so called “inevitable” is also a choice to believe. Mind over Matter is very powerful and as complex beings, we’re like machines, like a computer but we are self operated and have control over our next action, and consciousness and awareness make it easier to fine tune and maintain utmost balanced alignment.

In 3 weeks I will be 26, on February 1st. And I feel that little girl in me is still just as alive and strong as she was when she was 10 and 20. As a friend of mine said numerous times to me “it’s not age, it’s stage”. It’s no wonder majority of my friends and romantic relationships have always been with individuals older than me. They are mostly youthful, energetical, have a zest for life and of course a reflection of myself.

I have made countless so called “mistakes”, which are just learning and growing curves, progressively mastering the art of sublimation and transitioning from a state of ignorance and immaturity to wisdom and maturity. I have no regrets for any of my misguidances or lack of experiences. When I was ready the messenger appeared, when I needed to learn my lesson I may not have always been ready mentally, but I am sure grateful I experienced all that I have and continue to do so, without a time limit or agenda.

When I started think about writing this particular blog topic, I was sitting in the middle of the jungle in Ecuador, without internet connection of course (and thank goodness for that: It’s a blessing to be away from radiation and wifi now days) I had plenty of time to reflect on just about anything my mind delved into.

Without effort my busy mind seemed to bring up many thoughts daily. I had no intention of meditating or being in silence mentally when I arrived. Instead of forcing myself to do something that is so unnatural to me, I consciously allowed myself the pleasure of freedom and no remorse. Once the thoughts came up, I remained present and aware of them, then, like a child, I give them attention and acknowledgement and then they subsided and vanished.

I do not suppress my thoughts or emotions. For those who know me well, know that I cannot suppress my tongue. When I have a thought, I share it whether verbally out loud or write it down. Why let a thought go to waste. There are no “bad” thoughts, except a thought not expressed, in one form or another, in my opinion.

Now, sitting in the airport in Lima, Peru, waiting to board my flight to the amazon, I reflect further on my journey these past 2 months and integrate its relevancy to my past few years.

During these years of maturing, adapting, growing, and being, I recognized that for my most valued commodity, my intuition, to be matured and optimal, it was not only fair, but it was the most important form of energy for me to cultivate and strengthen. Intuition is like a muscle, if it’s not strengthened, it will weaken and then what? What’s life without the strength of “spiritual communication”? Personally, for me, it’s a somewhat “incomplete” and/or dull life. It’s like sitting in a forest/jungle text messaging on a cell phone, missing the whole point of being in the nature. (Not being in tune with the present moment, the moment that feeds and strengthens the connection with the higher self).

I’ve been aware for sometime now of what’s going on inside and outside of myself and witnessing and observing myself and those around me has helped me grow immensely. Technology’s existence has helped me be more aware of this.

Read Part 3 to know and understand more in depth.

Growing up Part 1: I admit, I’m maturing and I’m ok with it!

I remember when I was a little girl and I desired more than anything to “save the world”! I thought about being the next Mother Theresa figure, but in 21st century style with a little disobedience mixed in.

I just thought “how can there be so much suffering in the world and so little love?” But I was blinded by my illusions. Little did I realize at the time, the suffering was minute compared to the abundance of love that was and always has been present. Like many, my perception was my projection and therefore my story became my reality. And I chose to believe the lies and illusions projected onto me and be manipulated by those around me who allowed themselves to be manipulated too.

With some years of experience I came to realize that I had the choice to tune out of FEAR station and turn up the volume on LOVE station. My perception of love in the world around me, conquered my doubt and illusions and I was unaffected directly, by the suffering. I was even unaware of most of the stories happening, unless someone had mentioned them. No news is good news so I stopped watching and listening to the news for the past decade. I was both naive and nonchalant. I thought, “Why are people focusing on that which doesn’t serve them? On that which they aren’t even physically present to (like that in a place of war or hunger)? On that which only dis-eases their own mind, body and spirit? Why aren’t they focusing on that which they can control (like what they put on and in their bodies, what comes out of their mouths, who they associate with) rather than what they cannot (like the suffering of another)? Why are they mentioning it constantly and not doing anything but feeding the obvious of turmoil? No wonder I thought about “saving” the world. But that which I perceive externally from myself is that which is inside me. So I was learning about myself through my external reflection. And as the years continued, so did my judgement.

Little did I realize at the time, by focusing on trying to “save” others, I didn’t do much for myself in that department. Like most, I grew up believing that pity, worry, obligation, feeling bad and all those FEAR based stations, were considered not just normal but the way one “should” express themselves when they see or hear of suffering. I later realized that was and is, all part of the illusion. There’s always been another option, which still leaves room for compassion but doesn’t dis-ease the unaffected (who therefore doesn’t become the affected or dis-eased in turn). One becomes that which they absorb and project whether directly or indirectly.

I remember being loved so much by my parents and friends that I got so used to the positive attention. I considered it to be normal and it would bother me when someone didn’t like me or something I did. I had to know what was wrong so that I could fix it and save the poor soul’s energy from lacking in love. I took it personally, rather than realizing it wasn’t me directly they were affected by, but by the trigger of their story. Even though it came naturally, I still found ways to drain myself. I, like many, gave energy from myself rather than through myself and caused much dis-ease for my own energy storages. I cared what others thought, I sought approval and I went out of my way to be accepted whether it was for the authentic me or the “insincere” me. I loved to act, so playing different roles came easy to me. As long as everyone was appearing happy and smiling I believed that I was too. I didn’t know what was true or false anymore. I lived in my fairytale world and it worked for me at the time, so I thought.

I couldn’t tell when I was being authentic. Smiling and being constantly in the state of happy and joyful came so naturally to me. I was afraid of disappointing others at the expense of my own TRUE happiness. I didn’t know any better. I made it my duty to trigger people’s temporary happiness. I allowed others to become dependent on my presence to lift their spirits. I was dishonest with myself because I didn’t put myself first. It was like magic. Someone could be in the worst mood possible and as soon as they’d hear my name or my voice or see me, it was as if they got knocked out of their trancelike state and became happy. I thought it was I who made them happy. I didn’t realize it was the qualities I exuded that brought it out in them and of course this was my story that made it appear so. How can one be of assistance to others unless they assist themselves first? I believe the way one is, is the way one delivers themselves and the delivery of their energy to another.

As time went by, I realized I cannot make anyone anything. I can only trigger a feeling or emotion in someone else, but I essentially cannot do it for them. Thus I learnt the art of perception and projection. As my father used to say to me “If you think so, then it is so”. I didn’t understand that until much later of course. It is only so to the one who thinks and perceives it as so and that’s all that matters to that person and so it so.


upbringing and history part 3

Someone told me today (in Russian) that Buddha named his child Rahula, which he said means, handcuffs. I went online to check out for myself because there is no coincidence that this man mentioned this to me the day I was writing about this very topic. So Wikipedia says that Buddha’s son, Rahula, means “fetter” which means a “chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically around the ankles.” Wikipedia also mentioned “the pleasure and joy that a man receives in his wife and children is called a “soft fetter” that ties individuals to life and suffering, not just through eventual loss and separation of loved ones but more deeply and subtly may act as ties to cyclic existence (samsara).” I’ve noticed this to be “true” for many. And of course, since there’s no absolute truth, truth is constantly changing so what’s true for someone today may change tomorrow, but this specific topic I’ve seen to be quite repetitive almost everywhere I go.
Some have a child with the “right” intentions and some experience the opposite and therefore put themselves as well as the child into a prison like life. But this doesn’t have to be so if one redirects the flow of intention for parenthood in a way that is both rewarding and encourages a child’s growth, expansion and uniting one another’s paths rather than separating them. If one is already here, why not make the best of it and make it work for everyone peacefully and lovingly? Tuning into love station is an option afterall.
There are of course many other factors to consider when one has a child I understand. I’m not a parent, but I’m also not blind. And I can see the world around me and as an outsider (as well as an insider) it’s often more apparent and clear to me than perhaps that of the one who doesn’t see what they are doing and may not even be aware that they have another option. Life can get cluttered with everyday distractions I’m aware. To redirect the flow of how one goes about doing something is an art, a skill, and something that is worth investing the time and effort into. Especially with a child. Now that’s an art in itself. Parents can be quite the talented artists if they let go of structure and surrender to letting the “brush or note” guide them.
I may be viewing this all upside down, but the fact that I see a reoccurrence in every part of the world I’ve traveled to and in my own life, I feel there’s some truth to this, for me at least. Many I’ve shared this view with,have shared their experiences with me and stated their similar views and experiences and have gone through some healing crisis themselves when they let go of their past and opened up to their truths too. It’s liberating and a revelation for many to transform and release layers of stagnant, old, unwanted, undesired ways of living, thinking and being. To even know that there’s another option, that in itself has brought many to their knees in tears! Ignorance is not always blissful.
I admire parents who really do bring a child into this world with the full intention to grow with them and gift the world and the child with their wholesome upbringing and conscious full presence, not just have them around as an accessory, out of boredom, because it’s a tradition or a cultural expectation or because of their age, or because they want someone to take care of them in their old age (big prison builder right there wow!).
It’s never too late though. Even if one has certain patterns and beliefs ingrained in them, it’s still possible to be the change you want to see. Start now! I suggest if you notice something doesn’t resonate with you now, whether it be the way you view the world, yourself, others or the way you influence others around you, whether that be family, colleagues, friends or whomever, take a step back and observe what doesn’t agree with you. What would you like to see instead? What kind of life would you like to lead, be a part of, have and live in?
If you were brought up a certain way that you did not or do not agree with, then know that you have the choice to make that change and start to live the life that you want. Remember the way you were brought up and influenced was a just a suggestion not an obligation, but unfortunately it appeared to be reversed.
People can only teach, share or act towards someone in a way that they only know how. So if it’s not working for you and maybe it never did, there’s no time like the present to make that change. Especially if you have kids. Treat them not as you wish you were treated, but how you truly believe and feel is best for them not for you. Observe their reaction. Do they block or receive your way? There is a difference between blocking out of rebellion, revenge, or in spite of something/someone and blocking to defend or resist the uneasy energy (as though it were an attack). It’s possible to tune into the child’s flow and feel for what it is their requirements actually are, not just what society programs the majority to believe.
When a baby cries, instead of say “shhhh, stop, no!”, encourage the voice of expression and ask instead “Yes, yes, tell me what is it, i want to understand, i want to know what it is you are saying.” Baby language is not understood by most and it takes time and effort to learn, like with any language. Just because you don’t understand it doesn’t mean it’s not important and relevant. Instead of judging it as annoying or bad, etc. accept it and recognize your option to tune into it and make it work for you too. Patience and Perseverance may help ease and quicken the journey to understanding such a foreign language to adults.
By encouraging the flow and taking an interest to understand something that’s not fluent or obvious at first is also an art and a skill. People can speak to dogs and trees. People can speak to babies and the moon. The response may not always be in a language that you understand but nonetheless it’s a form of communication and it’s up to you to take the steps necessary to understand it. Or just surrender and accept it as it is without judgment. Nature will not always change it’s ways for you, but you have the options and the consciousness to make the changes around nature. So again, be the change you want to see and redirect the flow of energy you contain and exude.

history of my upbringing part2:

I was brought up half and half. Half old fashioned and half “new fashioned”. My dad was old fashioned my mom was more easy going and calm, and open to doing the opposite of how she was raised. Thank Goddess for that! So I had the exposure of both worlds so to say . This is why I feel I can relate from my own experience what I’m talking about here.
I didn’t have the cookie cutter, super easy life growing up, but it was pretty fair and mild compared to many others. I will not compare though, because it’s not necessary nor is it relevant. Just adding the fact. So I can be compassionate and understanding of those who do have it tough and wish for a safe, loving, gentle, wholesome environment.
My folks didn’t do the stereotypical disciplining, forcing or punishing routine/pattern that many North American parents do. They immigrated from Russia so they were half influenced by Canada by the time my brother and I were born. And I was fortunate enough to be the second child. Parents often learn what to do and how to be a parent, learn the pros and cons of parenting and all that jazz with the first born, it’s like a second chance with the next one. Time and space is created (hopefully) to digest and filter.
Luckily they did something different, something less old fashioned, less harmful and not scarring to the both of us. They led by example and gave me some freedom to explore my options and do what I wanted to. Of course I was influenced by society so I’d compare my upbringing to that of others and a lot of my friends at the time were abused and were not loved or wanted so I thought I had it pretty good.
I’d say, for the “average family”, my brother and I were blessed with this privilege of educated and open loving parents. But as the information and energy of the world progresses so do both parents and children. And the best part is, they can grow together and encourage one another on their paths. Learning from one another. It’s a two way streak.
A typical family upbringing I often noticed in my community years ago and still to this day:
Some parents wish their child would grow up and have some “highly” regarded profession like a doctor or lawyer. A “normal” wish and expectation of many parents. They often go about it through force and brainwashing. A child is brought up to believe that they have to, are suppose to go into the profession chosen for them already whether they like it or not, and manipulated in a way to believe that this is actually the right way, the only way and the best way. Best for who? not for the child that’s forsure!
What if the child wants to be a musician or a dancer or a fire fighter, or not even work, but rather do exchanges instead with their skills (if they have discovered their skills)? For the parent’s ego and sometimes for the image of the family, or whatever it may be, the child’s dreams, hopes, desires, and happiness are often crushed. And often their gifts, talents and skills are neglected and these go into a dormant stage.
I’ve noticed more adults coming back into themselves and rediscovering, reawakening to their truth. They were children at some point too and although the physical body ages, the inner child can live on and sometimes even stronger than when someone was a child. So for example If one wasn’t allowed to ride a bike when they were younger, what’s stopping them from doing it now? If a child wants to ride, the parent must be willing to surrender and allow their child to explore this option and find out his/her potentials and be exposed, brought up and encouraged in a life of YES! LOVE! OPENNESS! No more blocking! Let go of self created, or past influenced rigidity and open to what else is possible. It’s an option after all.
With these kinds of examples I’ve set here, it’s perhaps quite obvious then for what reason they have a child if not for themselves and themselves alone.
Fortunately, this is not always the case of course, there are some very conscious, open and aware beings that exist too! Thank Goddess for that! But I will share more on that later. There’s a lot to digest here. For some this may be repetitive info and for others it may be new.
Wherever you are in your life right now, take the time to reflect. Are you where you want to be internally, externally? Is there anything you feel you want to release, that’s no longer serving you, that perhaps you’d be better off letting go of? Can you be open to a space of love, compassion and forgiveness for yourself, for others?
Imagine yourself as you desire is in your best interest and plant that seed. It will manifest and surface eventually if you water it with your conscious efforts, practice and time. Nourish the vision and let it go. Don’t be attached to the outcome and definitely do not dwell on it for too long.
Remember, when one WANTS something, wanting can mean lacking of something. So instead of wanting something because you feel you don’t have it, invision it as though you already have it, but are only dormant to it. When you are ready it will appear more clearly. Sometimes we are blind to what’s already in front of us. We just have to clear some foggy space to make room for the dormancy to resurface.
So what would you like to see more of and to manifest that will benefit you and those around you?

A history of upbringing: Part 1

(There are 3 parts to this post, so bare with me please, it will be well worth the wait but I can’t guarantee anything. )
Reminder: What I share here are my observations, my experiences, my thoughts, feelings and opinions. Every story has two sides and I will add more a little.
As you read, try this experiment: Observe yourself, your reaction, your feelings. Can you relate, do you agree, disagree, does it matter to you? And then let it go, for these are just words, a place of expression and there’s no need for attachment to any of what is written here. It’s another form of communication and expression and it’s quite a skill and art to tune into yourself and just hold the space for your cells to digest and reflect on what is being absorbed. Go ahead and try it.
When I journeyed to Israel at the age of 18 I didn’t ask for permission, I merely expressed to my parents my decision and I was going to go whether they liked it or not. My life, my goals, my future! Following my heart, my path, my truth! So I suggested they surrender and give their blessing for their own conscience. I am not a dog on a leash. “If you love them, release and let them go”
I believe we don’t own one another, or owe one another anything (I’m not talking about materialistically). We all have a right to be here and do what is best for us, not forced upon us. It’s a right to be here not an obligation.
When parents choose to have children, they must understand that they are merely vessels for the beings that are brought in through them. And they can only do their best to raise them the best that they can. And with the “right” intentions, the “right” up bringing may result.
It’s not ideal to expect even our own blood to do something just because we want them to. This happens far too often and there are consequences that go with this way of living, expecting, forcing, etc. And not the best example to set for a child. (To feel obligated to do something, encourages disempowerment and lack/loss of self)
Although, again, it’s not what is said it’s how, it’s not what’s asked but how and it’s important that the intention for the question and expectation (most likely there will be one) is set as well. This makes a huge difference. Of course not having expectations would be quite blissful eh? It takes practice but “practice makes perfect”.
It is important that like anyone, children want to grant your wish whole heartedly, this way no dis-eases result. I don’t mean just physical dis-eases. When a child is brought up to feel obligated to do something, there are rarely ever positive results from this. This sets up this being for a future of, well look at the world you can see what has happened from this way of living.
But many believe that this is the way reality is and unfortunately believe that it’s the way it’s suppose to be and there’s no other way. But there is another way!
Fortunately there is more information available now days through the internet, books, classes and programs for bringing up children “the intended way” lovingly, gently, whole heartedly, and the results.. well it’s apparent when you meet someone brought up this way. It’s rather beautiful and quite different. It’s a real treat, really!
And now with the rise of crystal, indigo and rainbow children, we’re fortunate to have a more aware and conscious flow of such energy in the world. And the info the new generation are bringing in,learning, and sharing with the older generations Wow! Can you imagine there’s actually a positive, more wholesome, loving, even enjoyable and beneficial way of bring up children! (I’m talking about the majority I’ve witnessed, I’m not talking about everyone in general, please bare this in mind) Some parents find joy and bliss even in brining up their children in the old fashioned ways as mentioned here, but does the child want this? Does the child know there’s another way if the parent was willing to seek it? What will happen in the future if the child doesn’t resonate with this way of upbringing? The future depends on the present and the present is the only thing one can change as it’s the only that exists!
One of the key elements I’ve noticed and feel, is to forget most of what the older generation taught, demonstrated or led by example. They too didn’t know any other way. Forgiveness and Compassion go a long way.
And it’s wonderful to see more of the older generation parents/people in general, who are also getting out of their bubbles of old fashioned ways of living. Getting out of their shells, their obligated, discombobulated, FEAR station lives. And those who do, well it too is apparent because when they surrender to their own truths (not that of their upbringing and influences) their dis-eases slowly melt away and youthfulness, vitality and energy suddenly spring back into their lives. It’s actually quite beautiful to witness. The transformation reminds me of a caterpillar-cocoon-butterfly effect.
Traveling brings out the gift of vulnerability. I see this more often in the company of travellers who are out of their “comfort zone”, close to the ones who they are used to being judged by, living for, blocking from with their masks, etc.