Writing a memoir is challenging, but fun, healing and so worth it!

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The whole world was on my shoulders, now it's different.

The whole world was on my shoulders, now it’s different.

This is the first time I haven’t felt the urge to leave Toronto after 3months. And it feels amazing!

Writing my book in 3 months, has been very inspiring, motivating and encouraging to keep me put in one place. It’s one of three books, as my life, as many know is quite extensive, complex and many have said in this life time I’ve lived like 50 lives. I can handle it and it’s no surprise.

I cover topics like my childhood, my relationships with myself, my dad, my lovers, the many people I’ve connected with in school, travels, different communities all over the world and my relationship with food!

When I write, I’m uncensored and totally raw, and that’s how my book is expressed. I’m so excited to publish it in 3 weeks! I can’t wait to share it with the world. My recipes are easy, fun and colourful too and the pictures of my travels and recipes are a story in themselves.

I want to thank all those who have been super supportive on facebook, in person and via email. I love you all and without you this book couldn’t blossom so smoothly.

Talk about surrendering, trusting, letting go and going with the flow. Oh ya! Writing a book was the answer for me to heal my past.

Want to release some past ties? Write a book! You don’t have to publish it, it can be for yourself and/or family and there are free ways online to make that happen. 🙂
Blessings and Light,
Doris

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Being a Woman Rocks Part 3: It’s fun to be silly and “superficial” sometimes

I admit that I’ve been feeling like something has been missing in my life for the past 2 years. I thought maybe it was a romantic partner, and maybe it is, but then last week something wonderful and so playful happened and it hit me right smack in the face! BEING AROUND LUSCIOUS, JUICY, VIBRANT, TOTALLY FEMININE WOMEN! I require this more frequently not just in theory and thought.

I had the most amazing day with these two young, bodacious, playful and very feminine American girls who were guests at the retreat center I’m working at in Costa Rica at the moment. I joined them on their organized tour to a jungle and then to the beach and then Shopping!

These girls really know how to express themselves, not just through what they wear, but also how they act and their choice of expression. The way they speak, the things they say and do and the energy they project, very girly and playful, very refreshing and childlike.

Oh what fun! I haven’t felt so silly, playful and just childlike like that in so long. I even loved going shopping with them, something I haven’t enjoyed completely since I used to go to malls in my early teens and actually enjoyed doing so.

Superficial or not, I had fun and I was reminded of how amazing it is to be a woman and to be able to express one’s femininity through clothing, makeup, walking, talking, shopping, gossiping, laughing, talking about sex, love, fights, breakups, jobs, friends and family.

Sometimes it’s nice just to hear about “superficial” stories that are silly and maybe not so important/relevant, but they are someone’s reality and sometimes fun and exciting to engage in.

I limited myself to mostly “quality” conversations and interacted with “more mature” people, but I felt myself getting too serious doing this. I don’t want to limit myself to just one kind of community. If I’m to make a bigger impact on the world, than the one I’ve already made, I desire to interact with everyone on an equal level of essence. So the Universe graciously sent these lovely fun lively angels my way! yay!

being a woman friggin rocks part 2:

A month ago, as a friend and I were talking about femininity, she asked me “doesn’t it bother you a bit to have such hairy legs?” (I hear this often)
“I don’t remove the hair unless I have a partner. I like to feel a man’s touch on my bare skin, I feel it more. It doesn’t bother me otherwise, why, does it bother you? Don’t look if you don’t like it! ” I replied.
“You should do it for yourself, not for someone else,” she commented.
It’s been a while since I’ve had a partner and femininity is something I’ve been really focusing on increasing gradually in my life. There’s something very feminine about smooth legs I admit.
“You’re absolutely right!” I responded, feeling rather silly and immature for denying myself something that actually did bother me a little time to time when I’d see my legs hairier than other men’s actually. I didn’t feel completely feminine because of it. It takes a good 2 months for the hair to fully grow in before I can wax because shaving is not an option for me. If it wasn’t so expensive and if I had the time I may consider doing laser hair removal one day.

“Dressing feminine and more elegantly is so common here in Italy and in most of Europe. Doris you’re so beautiful and very masculine at times, but I’ve seen you very feminine and it really suites you. Don’t you think it’s time to embrace that, empower yourself with that energy and not just do things internally to enhance it but externally as well? Come on Doris, a little more elegant clothing, more emphasis on your hygiene and for God’s sake wax your legs!” I burst into laughter when she said this to me, while walking the streets of Torino, Italy a year ago with a very close and feminine friend of mine. I have heard this over and over again and I have noticed that except in my hippie communities, where most people are searching for themselves, not sure of themselves and seeking for guidance outside of themselves, almost every woman I meet has smooth hairless legs.

Sometimes I took pride in leaving my legs hairy, in spite of all these women. I felt empowered because I didn’t remove that which is naturally given to me. I admit though, that my initial reason for not wanting to express myself through these external ways of femininity is because of my natural inner rebellion. Since as long as I can remember, I often did the opposite of what I was told or what society taught. Check out the pictures in this blog of when I was younger. I could play both masculine and feminine and liked both, especially the masculine at the time. I knew I had the feminine “goods” but so did many other girls and although they really embraced it and expressed it so well, I thought I’d be different and restrict myself more.

These self created stories and restrictions are apart of my past and thanks to them I am where I am today. Sometimes I don’t do what I want, when and where at my time in my way and it’s grand and all but I no longer want it to be this way. I have been enjoying a little more structure and routine gradually this year and I admit I miss it and yearn for it. I worked both smart and at times “hard” to get to where I am today but in a different way than the institutionalized way. I did it by travelling and traveling can be tedious and strenuous in different ways. It’s easy but also not at the same time. It’s simple yet complex.

Being a Woman Friggin Rocks! Part 1:

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You know when a woman gets all dressed up, make-up, hair, heels, skirts, perfume, jewelry, the whole 9 yards? Well I don’t do this. I haven’t done this in almost a decade actually. Something about the way I programmed myself, (or possibly let myself be programmed by external influences) had me believe that this is not the way to express one’s femininity. Wow was I ever wrong! Incorporating some or all of these things is totally a way to express one’s femininity, but not limited to of course. These are just the external ways to express one’s femininity I’m aware but they exist and they seem to work for many women in this world (and some men too).

Expressing this way is totally awesome and totally natural, possible and abundantly available. If the Universe created these as options then why not participate in them? One becomes their environment, what they eat and what they wear. There are natural make ups, perfumes, clothing fibers, good quality accessories and more! The options are endless and when a woman looks and feels good in her own skin with or without these options MORE POWER TO HER! I totally respect, honor and admire women who allow themselves and give themselves permission to indulge in all these ways. (As long as they do it for themselves, not for an image, job or for attention). The heels maybe not stilettos, but something nice and pretty to excentuate her toes and her calves.

I haven’t dressed up in ages and it’s something I’ve been desiring to do for a while now.
Maybe not ALL OUT with the “whole 9 yards” but pretty close to it. Actually I don’t know I haven’t tried it.

When I’m around clothes in a market, someone’s home, a party, etc. I can’t help but look at and touch a dress, a skirt, a pair of heels. But I get overwhelmed by all the options and remember my limited space in my travel backpack so I shop but I don’t buy. My body has become accustomed to “hippie wear” anyway, my feet haven’t been in anything but wide closed toe sandals (Keens) and I haven’t worn anything tight around my butt except for a bikini bottom. Make up wasn’t even an option since I’m quite content with the features given to me at birth and I like the way my hair is naturally without chemical or artificial alternations. But, and this is a big but, I limited myself with self created thoughts like this so I honestly don’t know what I’ll feel like being in a little accessory.

Being on the road all the time, my clothing options are pretty minimal. Actually when I look at what I wear now, how I act, what I say and how I am in general in my mind, body and spirit, I admit I feel like a little accessory, a little addition to the whole and complete Doris that is me already. The Universe provided options for a reason and I have denied myself the many options that are actually natural to me. When I used to incorporate these options in my life years ago I actually enjoyed it.

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Growing Up Part 3: Mature and Empowered: Influenced by Intuition

Thanks to technology and fast paced societies, the contribution to lack of self awareness and agreement with outside (of oneself) influences, the natural instincts and intuition have become dormant and perhaps even nonexistent by now (with the amount of adaptation the world has undergone). I don’t know for certain, but I feel quite confident that if one doesn’t strengthen their intuition like they would their vocabulary or their physical muscles or relationships with others, life can become beyond dull. Maturity levels decrease and the next level/chapter of life becomes unread/unopened/undiscovered.

Imagine the potential that never gets sought for because of ignorance or weaknesses beyond the physical. We are lied to and manipulated by many authorities whom we “trust” or just become hypnotized, like marionettes. Many articles are being written, declaring incredible stats about the many who are blind or ignorant to what’s “really” going on in our world. But I believe with the amount of information being delivered and handed to us on a platter, there is no excuse for ignorance anymore, unless one has no access outside of their home or have been hypnotized by their parents, teachers, government, etc with everything locked and controlled. For those fortunate enough to have the access, it’s an option I feel is easily accessible.

I feel confident in stating that I believe everyone matures at a different time, in a different way, in a different fashion and some are faster at maturing than others.

I believe traveling the world is one of the most potent and most foolproof methods of maturing and getting to know beyond the box. Those who travel from a young age are some of the most intelligent beings I’ve ever met. Those who set themselves up in front of the computer or in front of books and learn that way about the world, are too, some of the most intelligent beings I have ever met. There is obviously more than one way to learn, to grow, to adapt, to strengthen one’s intuition and one’s logical mind. It has a lot to do with what stories one is holding onto. How far beyond the box is one willingly ready to explore? What else is one willing to create space for and what stories is one willing to let go of (FEAR based stories created by parents, teachers, media, authorities, self created, etc)?

Knowing what I know now, doing what I do now (and have been doing for more than a decade) I have come to realize that our parents are only our vessels. They do not own us, we are not pets, we do not own them, they are not our possession. They can only do their best to bring us up in the best way they know how. Whatever they did or didn’t do that doesn’t resonate with us, it’s only our responsibility now to forgive and let go. It’s all in the past now. Time to come out of that cacoon, unravel and open up to the vast potential of the Self, no more holding on, no more excuses. Take responsibility and mature through re-empowering oneself.

What would you like to create the space for in your life right now that feels lighter, more in alignment with where you desire to be, that place of optimality and assurance? This can only be accomplished by one’s own steps, the rest are influential, but must surely be “taken with a grain of salt”, acknowledged, considered, but never absorbed as any one truth. For truth is constantly changing, just as the world is constantly evolving and expanding. We must leave room for wonders and mysteries to continue to unfold. We must remain present and aware of where we are already at, love and approve of ourselves, never seek to change anyone, but only that of ourselves, and thus once we change, our perception will and does change and therefore our projection and manifestations.

The concrete jungle is just as potent in growing and learning as the wild natural jungle, for no matter what or where, we always take ourselves with us. Once we are aware that we are already whole and complete, that there is no “second half” or “answers outside of ourselves” only then can true healing take place. The inevitable events and lessons that will continue to take place can be viewed comedically or traumatically. Life can be enjoyable and rather humorous to walk, with presence, patience and compassion by our side.

“Getting a comedic view on your situation gives you spiritual distance. Having a sense of humour saves you. Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging. Your real duty is to go away from the community to find your bliss. Breaking out is following your bliss pattern, quitting the old place, starting your hero journey, following your bliss. You throw off yesterday as the snake sheds its skin.”- Joseph Campbell

Growing Up Part 2: “It’s about stage, not age”

Someone once said to me when I was 20, “Doris you won’t be like this by the time you’re 26”. Being the little rebel that I was, I said “Nope you’re wrong! I will always be my happy go lucky self, full of energy, full of zest and life!” It’s a choice. The so called “inevitable” is also a choice to believe. Mind over Matter is very powerful and as complex beings, we’re like machines, like a computer but we are self operated and have control over our next action, and consciousness and awareness make it easier to fine tune and maintain utmost balanced alignment.

In 3 weeks I will be 26, on February 1st. And I feel that little girl in me is still just as alive and strong as she was when she was 10 and 20. As a friend of mine said numerous times to me “it’s not age, it’s stage”. It’s no wonder majority of my friends and romantic relationships have always been with individuals older than me. They are mostly youthful, energetical, have a zest for life and of course a reflection of myself.

I have made countless so called “mistakes”, which are just learning and growing curves, progressively mastering the art of sublimation and transitioning from a state of ignorance and immaturity to wisdom and maturity. I have no regrets for any of my misguidances or lack of experiences. When I was ready the messenger appeared, when I needed to learn my lesson I may not have always been ready mentally, but I am sure grateful I experienced all that I have and continue to do so, without a time limit or agenda.

When I started think about writing this particular blog topic, I was sitting in the middle of the jungle in Ecuador, without internet connection of course (and thank goodness for that: It’s a blessing to be away from radiation and wifi now days) I had plenty of time to reflect on just about anything my mind delved into.

Without effort my busy mind seemed to bring up many thoughts daily. I had no intention of meditating or being in silence mentally when I arrived. Instead of forcing myself to do something that is so unnatural to me, I consciously allowed myself the pleasure of freedom and no remorse. Once the thoughts came up, I remained present and aware of them, then, like a child, I give them attention and acknowledgement and then they subsided and vanished.

I do not suppress my thoughts or emotions. For those who know me well, know that I cannot suppress my tongue. When I have a thought, I share it whether verbally out loud or write it down. Why let a thought go to waste. There are no “bad” thoughts, except a thought not expressed, in one form or another, in my opinion.

Now, sitting in the airport in Lima, Peru, waiting to board my flight to the amazon, I reflect further on my journey these past 2 months and integrate its relevancy to my past few years.

During these years of maturing, adapting, growing, and being, I recognized that for my most valued commodity, my intuition, to be matured and optimal, it was not only fair, but it was the most important form of energy for me to cultivate and strengthen. Intuition is like a muscle, if it’s not strengthened, it will weaken and then what? What’s life without the strength of “spiritual communication”? Personally, for me, it’s a somewhat “incomplete” and/or dull life. It’s like sitting in a forest/jungle text messaging on a cell phone, missing the whole point of being in the nature. (Not being in tune with the present moment, the moment that feeds and strengthens the connection with the higher self).

I’ve been aware for sometime now of what’s going on inside and outside of myself and witnessing and observing myself and those around me has helped me grow immensely. Technology’s existence has helped me be more aware of this.

Read Part 3 to know and understand more in depth.

Growing up Part 1: I admit, I’m maturing and I’m ok with it!

I remember when I was a little girl and I desired more than anything to “save the world”! I thought about being the next Mother Theresa figure, but in 21st century style with a little disobedience mixed in.

I just thought “how can there be so much suffering in the world and so little love?” But I was blinded by my illusions. Little did I realize at the time, the suffering was minute compared to the abundance of love that was and always has been present. Like many, my perception was my projection and therefore my story became my reality. And I chose to believe the lies and illusions projected onto me and be manipulated by those around me who allowed themselves to be manipulated too.

With some years of experience I came to realize that I had the choice to tune out of FEAR station and turn up the volume on LOVE station. My perception of love in the world around me, conquered my doubt and illusions and I was unaffected directly, by the suffering. I was even unaware of most of the stories happening, unless someone had mentioned them. No news is good news so I stopped watching and listening to the news for the past decade. I was both naive and nonchalant. I thought, “Why are people focusing on that which doesn’t serve them? On that which they aren’t even physically present to (like that in a place of war or hunger)? On that which only dis-eases their own mind, body and spirit? Why aren’t they focusing on that which they can control (like what they put on and in their bodies, what comes out of their mouths, who they associate with) rather than what they cannot (like the suffering of another)? Why are they mentioning it constantly and not doing anything but feeding the obvious of turmoil? No wonder I thought about “saving” the world. But that which I perceive externally from myself is that which is inside me. So I was learning about myself through my external reflection. And as the years continued, so did my judgement.

Little did I realize at the time, by focusing on trying to “save” others, I didn’t do much for myself in that department. Like most, I grew up believing that pity, worry, obligation, feeling bad and all those FEAR based stations, were considered not just normal but the way one “should” express themselves when they see or hear of suffering. I later realized that was and is, all part of the illusion. There’s always been another option, which still leaves room for compassion but doesn’t dis-ease the unaffected (who therefore doesn’t become the affected or dis-eased in turn). One becomes that which they absorb and project whether directly or indirectly.

I remember being loved so much by my parents and friends that I got so used to the positive attention. I considered it to be normal and it would bother me when someone didn’t like me or something I did. I had to know what was wrong so that I could fix it and save the poor soul’s energy from lacking in love. I took it personally, rather than realizing it wasn’t me directly they were affected by, but by the trigger of their story. Even though it came naturally, I still found ways to drain myself. I, like many, gave energy from myself rather than through myself and caused much dis-ease for my own energy storages. I cared what others thought, I sought approval and I went out of my way to be accepted whether it was for the authentic me or the “insincere” me. I loved to act, so playing different roles came easy to me. As long as everyone was appearing happy and smiling I believed that I was too. I didn’t know what was true or false anymore. I lived in my fairytale world and it worked for me at the time, so I thought.

I couldn’t tell when I was being authentic. Smiling and being constantly in the state of happy and joyful came so naturally to me. I was afraid of disappointing others at the expense of my own TRUE happiness. I didn’t know any better. I made it my duty to trigger people’s temporary happiness. I allowed others to become dependent on my presence to lift their spirits. I was dishonest with myself because I didn’t put myself first. It was like magic. Someone could be in the worst mood possible and as soon as they’d hear my name or my voice or see me, it was as if they got knocked out of their trancelike state and became happy. I thought it was I who made them happy. I didn’t realize it was the qualities I exuded that brought it out in them and of course this was my story that made it appear so. How can one be of assistance to others unless they assist themselves first? I believe the way one is, is the way one delivers themselves and the delivery of their energy to another.

As time went by, I realized I cannot make anyone anything. I can only trigger a feeling or emotion in someone else, but I essentially cannot do it for them. Thus I learnt the art of perception and projection. As my father used to say to me “If you think so, then it is so”. I didn’t understand that until much later of course. It is only so to the one who thinks and perceives it as so and that’s all that matters to that person and so it so.

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